Thanks for the comment Art on that last entry, but I just can't call my Mom.
She isn't the same person anymore. That person is gone, destroyed by her
mental lapse, her paranoia, her belief that she can say or do anything that she
wants because she is hurting and if she hurts others along the way it's her
undeniable right.
I've had to distance myself from my Mother, she was killing me. When I was
going through all this crap with her I got an ulcer, I was a nervous wreck.
I would break into tears spontaneously. I was on the verge of having my
own lapse in mental judgment. My own doctor was warning me that I was
dangerously close to loosing it, he told me I had to cut my stress factors in my
life. At the time I had a job from hell, my Mom was coming over to my
house at all hours of the day and night, she didn't care about whatever else I
had going on at that moment. I was expected to drop everything and sit and
listen to her tell me that my father is scum, that I'm scum for not cutting him
out of my life, that she thinks that my Dad never loved her, that she knows my
Dad doesn't love me, never loved me and in fact hates me!
These are the things
my Mom would scream at me while swearing at me in front of my children. I
had to push her out of my life. It wasn't healthy for me, it wasn't
healthy for my kids. My Mom's response? She came to the school and
tried to start a fight between her and I there, only moments before my kids were
to be dismissed. The only way I was able to get her to leave without a
fight was by telling her that I'm going to the office to report that she is
trespassing on school property since she had no right to be there. It
wasn't the first time I told my Mom to leave or I would be calling the cops.
Everything I spoke to her, fought with her, another little piece of me died.
Even now, she is trying to be something like her old self again (I'm hoping) when she comes to visit. But it's so stressful on me when she comes by. She was here last weekend, I saw her pull up in front of the house and I felt my heart harden. I had to steel myself against one of her outbursts. It's just so emotionally and physically draining for me to have anything to do with her. And right now all my energy is needed for my kids, so I can't call her up and talk to her. It's just not a possibility. I wish it were otherwise.
And I also think I misled you in that entry. The relationship we had wasn't a great one. Most times it was her telling me that I'm not doing things the way she would and therefore I'm doing them wrong. The only thing that we seemed to really band together on was my mother in law. My mom did not like how my mother in law treated me, she didn't like the way my mother in law would lie and attempt to manipulate things to make herself look like an angel. Of course my mother in law sucked at all those little games she played, it was like watching an eight year old trying to mold and manipulate others. So obvious and pathetic.
My mother and I had a broken relationship. Even on our good days there was fighting and yelling. It wasn't great, it wasn't even good. But it was all I had so I accepted it for what it was. And even though it really did bite donkey ass at times, it was still the only relationship that I would ever have with her, so I took what I could get. Even though I don't like who my mother is now, even though we never really got along, I still love her. It's an unconditional kind of love, that's just the way I am. After everything is said and done, no matter what my parents say or do I will love them until the day I die, and maybe even after that. After all, they are the only parents that I will ever have.
If you are new to this diary and didn't follow all the Mommy drama as it unfolded, here's a chance to read the letter I wrote to my Mom. I never sent it to her, but writing it did help me to feel better.
9:52 a.m. - February 24, 2006
Recent entries:
March Break Almost Done - March 16, 2006
Annoying and Irritating - March 15, 2006
Hello Mold, How Have You Been? - March 14, 2006
DNA Personality Test - March 10, 2006
Sickness Continues - March 09, 2006
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