Spoke with my pal Sassy last
night about EB and I'm glad that I did because she was able to make me see stuff
that was right there at the end of my nose, but I just wasn't able to see it
because it was too close. It was sort of like she was just putting
everything into focus for me.
I told her what happened, first she shared a story with me about her own
experiences with that sort of thing. Then I said something about EB not
being old enough to carry that sort of baggage around and she made me realize
that my boy is like an emotional sponge. What ever is going on in this
house, emotionally, he absorbs it. And he holds onto it, he doesn't let it
out again.
And emotionally there has been a lot going on around this place. LB was
sick and we didn't know what was wrong with him, both Hubby and I were stressed
about that, so I guess EB sort of absorbed some of that stresses. There has
been tension between Hubby and I about finances, about many things really.
Is EB absorbing that as well?
The other day Hubby said something to the kids about how his schooling is very
important and he can't just shrug it off because it has to do with his job.
And EB turned to Dot and said "Yeah, or Dad will lose his job and we'll get
kicked out of this house!" Wow. Where did that come from? At
the time I laughed and told him it wasn't as bad as that. But I'm thinking
that he's been dealing with our financial situation, and not in a good way.
I know that he feels bad about not being able to do the stuff his friends can.
His friends are all signed up for sports programs, they take swimming lessons,
they play soccer and hockey, and lacrosse. EB wants to play those things
as well. But Hubby and I just don't have the cash for that sort of thing
right now. And believe me, that crushes us.
The other day EB was complaining that he can't ride his skateboard, so Hubby
told him to go to the skater store down the 'Shore and find out how much lessons
would cost. He came back with a defeated attitude. He told us the
store was closed, but his buddy that takes classes there told him that they were
$20 a lesson and that you have to sign up for 26 lessons. So he came home
and told us he couldn't do it because it cost too much.
He is also pushing his cadet thing again, stressing that they would be paying
him when he went on courses. He hasn't come out and said anything but I'm
thinking he's hoping to get into the Cadets, get on a course and earn some cash
that he can then use to pay for some sort of sports thing. So he can hang
out with his friends and feel like he's one of the group. Right now he
feels sort of like an outsider, not because of anything specific that they do.
It's just that he's not as good as them at some of the stuff they do and he
feels like he's kind of a pain to them. I held him in my arms as he was
telling me that, and I could feel the tension in him as he said those words.
I
wish I could wave a magic wand and fix all of EB's problems. I wish that I
was able to find some way to bring in some money. I was thinking
babysitting, but with LB being home, how could I have another child here.
I wouldn't be able to walk them to and from school on the snowy days that LB is
home because his wheel chair doesn't go through snow that well. And lately
he's become so demanding, I don't know how I could deal with him and a little
one at the same time. I do wish that I could baby-sit, but at this time it
isn't something that's possible.
I have thought about it and thought about it. And I just don't know what
to do.
I guess my only option is to win the lottery.
7:41 a.m. - February 18, 2006
Recent entries:
March Break Almost Done - March 16, 2006
Annoying and Irritating - March 15, 2006
Hello Mold, How Have You Been? - March 14, 2006
DNA Personality Test - March 10, 2006
Sickness Continues - March 09, 2006
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